“There was my set of wooden stake-tipped daggers, gifted to me in Philadelphia during the American Revolution by a handsome vampire whose name I’d never known. I loved those daggers beyond reason, not only because they were exactly as long as my middle finger— which was awesomely meta— but because they were so versatile! The wooden stakes could be taken off and put back on as easily as a Barbie doll’s head, which meant you could use them to fight frisky vampires as well as any other non-vampiric asshole who might get in your way.”